Safarnama

Today I thought of you. Just like any other day whenever I see your posts on insta. But today was a bit special. As I was staring outside the window in office, I saw an eagle steer low and grab this squirrel and fly back. The squirrel tried valiantly to get off the clutches of the eagle and with each attempt I could see it's energy depleting and finally it gave up. Much like my attempts to get over you. 

You were like the smell of fresh soil just before it rained. Intoxicating and a promise of a joyous, merriful life. I don't remember exactly how you came into my life; but I do remember our lengthy conversations on the corridors of college, just before and after our classes. You were so charming, you were witty. You know the kind of feeling they say you get when you see someone you love, I have the exact feeling when I see you. You're so full of life and energy, passionate about what you do and god you're beautiful. I don't think I'll be able to erase how you looked on your last day at college. You were wearing a peach coloured dress. That and the pearl earrings you wore complimented your dusky skin so much. I've always wondered why you never wore any mascara. Then I realised it's probably because you don't need them. 

I have a confession to make, I would intentionally walk by your class each time when I took a loo break. Though there was a washroom right next to my class. Have I told you that I had taken up that elective, though I absolutely had no interest in it because I over heard you telling that you're taking it up. I would often wait for you in the mess during meal time hoping you'd turn up and sit in front of me. And when you eventually did turn up,I pretend to listen to music as if I was indifferent to your existence. I've started listening to Carnatic music because you told me you're a fan. I've watched all star trek movies because you love them. Let's agree that Star Wars is better (May the force be with you).

 

In all those moments when you slapped my on my arm, when you side-hugged me, front hugged me, when you tapped on my shoulder to say hi to me... You have no idea how fast my heartbeat was. 

During these past few years I have created an image in my head about us. Like how we'll pursue our passion no matter what. The names our kid(s) would have, if we were to have them. Where we discuss books we read everyday. We can have our own little book club you know. I'd love that. And when our children grow up we can go settle in a village. Our house will have roof tiles and would be open to sky in the centre. The kind of village houses we see in South Indian movies. It'd have a swing and we shall watch a movie a day sitting on the swing. 

My love for you has grown immensely over these years. And it would do justice that it loves within me for the rest of my life. I have thought of asking you out a million times now that you're not seeing anyone. But I think my general social awkwardness, my inability to talk to women I fall I love with are prohibiting me from asking you out. 

Or maybe it's because somewhere deep down, I think that I might fall out of love if you say yes and we date. I love this image of you, of us that I have created in my head and I might be extremely disappointed if that doesn't be the eventuality. 

I shall keep this love for you within me, for you're my first love and probably the only one I can ever love so much.